Thoughts and IMs..

I woke up this morning thinking about him. I can't say I don't know why but I might have dreamt of him last night.

I tried to shrug it off but instead I found myself struggling with how to stop associating things with him. My mind would always find ways of drawing a line from things I saw to him.

And when I logged in on the YM, lo and behold! A couple of instant messages from him - things that made me wonder.

I thought I have succeeded.. I have not..

Kathmandu... (?)

"Would you like to go with us to Kathmandu?"

This was the adrenalin-pumping question my friend asked me last night. She and her girlfriend hatched the idea while touring Thailand a couple of days ago. I got into the "lovers'" plan when my friend mentioned that I have been dreaming of going to Nepal.

My answer, automatically, was an overly enthusiastic "Sure!!!". But when? I told her that it's going to take at least a year of planning and preparation. I thought of sometime in 2006 or 2007, but she said that she's thinking of next year, which is barely two months away!

I told her that we should first search for information on the trip and online went. The Lonely Planet (where else?) mentioned that October to November is the best time to go. But we thought that being the peak season, we would have to contend with expensive air tickets, accommodation, and guides, not to mention the throng of tourists and climbers that will take advantage of the start of the dry season. So why not sometime in February and April, the second best time to go? Fine. And we searched for flights on the latter part of April.

Surprise! Guess what? Most of flights from Toronto are already sold out! The ones that are still available are priced almost twice as much as the usual airfare. The usual airfare ranges from C$1500 to 1700, and the others are from C$3000 to 4600. We tried to look for more flights but to no avail.

Well, I guess the Kathmandu adventure will remain a dream for me.. At least for now..

Power of Prayer

With nothing to do the whole day, by around eight o'clock last night I was in the "bored stage". For me to be at this stage means that I couldn't think of anything else to do but feel lonely, frustrated, and depressed.

I was feeling so down, thinking about the 'low-side' of my situation and the not-so-good things that happened recently in my life, I was on the verge of tears (okay, I admit, I'm a crybaby!). I found myself slumped in the the corner hallway near the bathroom. Just about to feel helpless, I decided to say the Apostle's Creed and asked God to help me prop my spirits up.

Right after I finished praying, I heard my cellphone rang. It was Alanna, our pharmacy technician. She just wanted to make sure that I cooked the apple pie that she gave me properly. It's interesting to note that if there's somebody that will call me on my day off, Alanna would be the last one to do so. She has an upbeat personality that will surely make you cheery when you talk to her.

Barely a minute have passed after the call, my cellphone was ringing again. This time it was Zuber, a very good friend and colleague. The call was a surprising for me because since he moved to New Brunswick last September, rarely do we find the chance to talk. Of course, it was good to have a chat with him again and we gabbed for more than 30 minutes (long distance call, hun!).

And there were more! Ms Annette called just to say hi and trade gossips. Our conversations are always fun and lengthy. We were talking for almost an hour when I had to end the call to, guess what, answer another call!

It was Dan, a good friend from Houston. And that was the first that he gave me a surprise call. We usually have to arrange our calls because of the time difference and because of our ever changing schedules.

And it didn't end there. Because my conversation with Ms Annette didn't end with a good night and goodbye, I called her back and we had another hour (easy) of gabbing. It was almost midnight when we called it a day.

I felt that it was of no coincidence that I got a couple of calls right after talking to God. He just showed me that He listens and if one asks, He will give him. Now, I remember what my high school Physics teacher told us one day:

"GOD is almighty, GOD is merciful, GOD will answer all our prayers.. "

t e a r s

waiting..
waiting.. waiting..
waiting.. waiting.. waiting..
waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting..
waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting..
waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting..
waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting..
waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting..
waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting..
waiting.. waiting.. waiting.. waiting..
waiting.. waiting.. waiting..
waiting.. waiting..

hoped..

sob

Of Asexuals and Hikikomori..

Or you can change the title to "The Transformation" or make it "Metamorphosis" which makes it closer to Madam-ma Butterfly. All this is due to the fact that my life have changed a lot ever since I moved to Windsor.

One in 100..

A recent study on sexuality found out that, ironically, that at least 1 in 100 is asexual. Being sexual was defined as (a) a person who has absolutely no interest in any sexual act, (b) a person who may be emotionally involved with a person but with no physical, i.e. sexual, attraction, and (c) a person who may masturbate once in a while but do not and will not have sexual interest with anybody.

The study was done in UK but if it holds true for Canada, at least 300,000 Canadians (eh?) would be considered asexual! Now, that is something! Imagine the implications.. well, um.. ahh.. I'm feeling it right now, hun! "What's this?-What's the matter?-What's going on?"-a la Karen Walker. Yes, I think I AM ASEXUAL, but I'm not going to say to which definition I belong. Beg as you may, but na-a-ah, I'm not going to tell you (as if it matters and as if everybody cares). I never felt this way before, when I was back home and when I was in Toronto. Not a lot of people know this, but I was very sexual before. I don't know what changed everything but it just happened.

Hikikomori..

Lately, internet suicides have gained media interest especially in Japan. Apparently, the suicides have been committed by young people who got acquainted through the internet and who have a peculiar similarity - they were all recluses who never leave their room and they were only able to find entertainment on the internet. The Japanese have a name for these people - hikikomori.

Blame it on my profession, on me not having a car, on me not being able to be out, on my present outlook in life, on my stubbornness, but I used to be really outgoing and sports maniac.

Life before was like sports-work-sports-night gigs-sleep and life now is work-netsurf-sleep. I don't have a television (let alone a couch!) which, by the way most people find amusing, I don't play any sports now, I don't go to silverscreens (I'm not a true blue Hollywood fanatic), I don't have close friends (at least in Windsor, which happens to be where I live). If I'm not working, I am on the internet. If I'm not sleeping, I am on the internet. I AM A HIKIKOMORI. Well, about 95%, I should say. On days when I'm off, I just stay at my apartment, never going out until my next working day.

..

My asexuality has transformed me into a hikikomori. Although I know that there's definitely more in the outside world than sex, being asexual has successfully lured me to a trap that I call my own little world. I just hope that I will never end up like a Japanese hikikomori - someone like Madam-ma Butterfly.